What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:42
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So whats the point in blame.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was in good health!
But, we were locked up after school.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
How might an Indian girl respond to someone saying "I love you"?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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I have no regrets .
We were not on the streets..
Would this be the day?
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Ive learnt so much.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I said to her
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I write beautiful poetry .
I think the readers, may guess!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
What is a narcissist grandmother like, with her grandchild?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My family never makes their pension either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was scared of men, in general
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She loved him until the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It was going to be , some day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
What did i know ?
And i lived it daily.
So, i spoilt her more .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Who then, do I blame.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Put me off passion for life!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I will be 64.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She wouldn,t have been !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I waited trembling.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im still living with it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Comes on , in middle age.
All the time i was locked up.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
This is soul school!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Was to survive, this bastard.
One cannot live in the past .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We all went to grammer schools
He knew the spot.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was very sick at this time too.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When she asked me how she looked .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She found it foreign!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was seconnd youngest,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.